So sometimes when I communicate things (whether I am speaking to someone or writing, or even just thinking) I contradict myself immediately after my thoughts come out. In my head, I have an opinion. I have confidence. Yet, sometimes, after things come out I tend to contradict myself immediately after in order to lessen the intensity of my opinion- as I fear falsity or judgement. Lately I have been obsessing over it and it’s actually really frustrating because I feel like I don’t even have opinions anymore. Every time I feel something I immediately examine the opposition, without hesitation.
I used to (and STILL for some reason) think of myself as someone confident in my own head and skin. I am very open to what people have to say and accepting of opposing ideas to my own beliefs, however I’m now doing all of this in my own head. I try to challenge myself.. with everything.
This is making me quite indecisive. I can’t ever make a confident decision anymore.. even at the damn ice cream store. I say to myself “go with what you usually get.. you love it” and then an opposing thought enters my head; “you always choose that, go for something new”. It’s almost as if I psychoanalyze every decision I make as if it exposes my identity; the kind of person I am. How I live my life.
The other day I started writing a blog post. A very passionate, opinionated blog post. Now, when I blog I literally open “new post” and just start typing, read it over and publish. I’m not much of a planner in that sense, probably since I blog at such random, spur of the moment times. Anyway, by the end of that post I had 360’d my entire point. It became so ridiculous that I just deleted everything that I wrote. I remember thinking in my head- I want to examine the whole of this concept. I fear narrow-mindedness, since it’s just SUCH a huge pet peeve of mine. But in the end I become my own worst enemy.
Another instance was when a friend of mine made a comment about life being short. I agreed with her and we discussed how mindlessly we pass by life, whilst in my head I was also thinking of how long life really is. We have so much time and we place far to much pressure of squeezing all the goodness out of life as soon as possible when really we should relax and practice patience. I don’t even have an opinion now.. since I am so conflicted.
*Thinking to myself, what would I tell a friend if they came to me with this issue*. I would say:
Things just are as they are.. sometimes you don’t need an opinion on everything. You can always be swayed when you are given more information about something and that’s okay. You don’t always have to be on a side, especially about things you don’t know much about.
So there you go.. if you are suffering from this as well (which I doubt, since I have such odd issues for an 18 year old), try to relax and allow yourself to examine things, to let your mind wander. You don’t need to come to any conclusion, your brain is not a research paper. It’s okay to overthink, if that’s what you naturally want to do. But at the same time, try to cut yourself off when things get ridiculous. When you make a decision on ice cream, let it be. Enjoy your ice cream and move on. Don’t be so hard on yourself!
– Dose of Delight