Helloooo there.. I am deeply sorry I have not posted in a while.. Some of this post will explain. Another thing is my friends found my URL (Hi louis, hi everyone)..And I felt kind of exposed and weird. But I promised myself when I made this that I would keep writing and it’s fun and good for me (plus it’s pretty boring to other people so they probably won’t read it anyway hehe). I always enjoyed writing and I’m going to keep writing.
Cool let’s begin.
Some people have the ability to live their life finding beauty in everything. Passionate about all of it- inspired by all of what surrounds us, our experiences. This is something I was striving for until I hit a bump. A big bump.
I approached it all wrong. I was giving life to everything I could- trying to find inspiration in anything and giving the constantly using the entirety of my focus and effort. What I discovered soon in was that this really wears you out. You really need to brush some things off, allow some of the parts to be boring. My efforts to live more passionately spiralled into something a lot less beautiful.
I put this odd pressure on myself to be perfect- unachievable transcendence. To write eloquently, speak effortlessly, behave compassionately. Striving for the ideal human being. That’s really what it came down to. I thought I was bettering myself (ha).
But then I became obsessed. I couldn’t stand to report unsatisfactory material. I stayed quiet, out of fear that my words would lack perfect sense. I stopped posting on this blog, knowing I couldn’t please every audience… knowing my writing is really average and I wouldn’t ever be proud of it. I lost sight of why I started it.
I wanted only the BEST quality work that I produced to be put forward. Spring cleaning my brain in order to conserve space and energy.
Guess what that was? Intelligence…? Well… the knowledge acquisition part of intelligence. I know.. seems like the opposite. I was just learning too much for my own good (still am). Once exposed to this higher knowledge at uni, I viewed myself as average in comparison. This isn’t a self-confidence thing, I just felt I needed to keep myself up with what I was learning.
I also developed a bit of anxiety and therefore think I became obsessed with filtering my outputs to ensure only the best gets published (not just blog posts, I mean more with other aspects of my life).
Second part of this fun little journey: Accepting a cool mind. Learning about this psychology stuff really inspires me. It challenges my believes and teaches me too much for my own good. And I like it, a lot. I like where I am now. I feel more connected to behaviour, why things are the way they are. Human interaction. It’s incredibly interesting.
So I’m going to accept that this is a part of me now, and try to realize when I’m doing it. It’s actually easy to catch when you are closing yourself off out of fear of imperfection. Sometimes now I even try to use that feeling as fuel to achieve my academic or organized goals.
Anyway, point is that I apologize that I haven’t posted in a while and I will START to post super regularly! Love you guys for everything and I’ll talk to you soon.
– Dose of Delight